Keep the peace by getting a piece election night
Tomorrow’s election is one of the most important ever. I know you hear that statement every four years but I think this time it is 100% accurate.
If you are like me, you are happy that all this madness is about to end but worried about what could follow. Let’s be honest, this year’s campaigns have divided this country like never before. Blacks vs Whites; Liberals vs. Conservatives; Rich vs. Poor. Sure these battles have always existed but this year they are worse.
Some people think that there is an increased potential for election night violence and they might be right. I can see certain people getting hostile if their guy loses and I can also see people getting too happy if their guy wins. Either way, someone could end up doing something stupid.
If any major violence takes place chances are good that it will be started by a man. We like to fight and break stuff - it’s in our DNA. And we tend to be followers, so if one guy starts busting stuff (or people) up you can be sure that others will also. Since I am not ready for Armageddon to begin on November 4, I want to offer up two solutions to help stop any election night violence. Both involve the one thing that can stop a man dead in his tracks
First off, club owners and city commissioners should get together and allow strippers to perform at other downtown venues. That’s right, for one night only, women should be able to dance naked at all area bars and clubs. If a bunch of drunken guys are watching election results at a bar or restaurant, they are less likely to go out and start a riot if there is a naked woman in there with them. So, let’s get some naked booties shaking in the CSRA.
This idea is a win – win because the strippers will get a chance to reach a clientele that they would not normally reach. Also, while they are dancing at Wild Wings, Soul Bar, or Somewhere in Augusta, they can advertise for the club where they usually perform.
My next idea will require a greater effort but if it works, all of our problems will be solved. Ladies, one election night, it will be up to you to keep our city and possibly our country safe. You need to make men not want to leave home and the best way to do that is by getting freaky. You all need to make a promise to have sex with your boyfriends/fiancés/baby daddies/husbands/etc. on November 4th.
In order for it to work all women must be involved. Remember men are followers. If one guy slips up (no pun intended) and goes on a rampage, his buddies will want to go to try and stop or join him. We can’t have that. Ladies take one for the team and unite.
You will need to plan for a slow build-up because if you attack too early he will still have time to go out afterwards. Resist the urge to sex him up as soon as the polls close. If you want to, make a game out of it. Every time a different candidate wins a different state, flash him. If the state is won by the guy he didn’t vote for flash him then kiss him to block his view of the screen. Then, right before the networks announce the winner jump his bones.
If you don’t have a significant other, find one for the night. Bitter, single men are more likely to snap than ones that are in relationships so we will need volunteers to subdue them.
Ladies, if you have ever fantasized about having a one night stand, now is the time. You can sow some wild oats and help the country. Go out to an election night party (I hear there is one at Nacho Mamas) and look for decent looking single guys that seem angry or sad. Chances are their guy is not winning and that means that they could be planning evil deeds. A little nookie could be the difference between him rioting in the streets or going home and getting some rest.
I know this is the Bible Belt and many people here consider sex a task for creating children instead of a way to have a fun night but these are desperate times. On election night, strippers, Hooters girls, scantly clad bartenders and women with loose morals need to join with Sunday school teachers, librarians and preachers wives and prudes to help keep Augusta, Georgia and the United States safe.
God bless America, and Americans who get election night nookie.
Simply brilliant!!! I knew I should have written you in instead of voting for Obama!
Just doing my part to help keep the peace.